The Dawn of Authenticity: My First Day as the Real Mandy

It's Tuesday morning in LA, 9 AM, and I'm having what can only be described as a designer's high. You know that feeling when everything suddenly clicks? When the universe throws you a bone after kicking you in the shins repeatedly? Yeah, THAT.

Yesterday's critique session with Professor Winters was... unexpected. I walked in clutching my redesigned concepts like they were fragile little birds, heart hammering against my ribs. The room felt electric with that usual pre-critique anxiety—everyone pretending to be chill while secretly wondering if their work is about to be torn apart.

When my turn came, I didn't do my usual "professional Mandy" presentation. Instead, I just spoke honestly about my journey—the rejection, the breakdown, and the breakthrough. How designing for external validation had been suffocating my actual voice.

Professor Winters just... listened. Then she said something I'll probably get tattooed someday: "This is the first time I'm seeing Mandy in your work, not just your skills."

Like, WHAT? I've been in this program for years, and she's only now seeing ME?

But she's right. I've been so busy trying to be the next [insert famous designer] that I forgot to be the first Mandy.

After class, three classmates I barely speak to asked to see more of my sketchbook. Not to copy or compete, but because something about the authenticity resonated. One girl, Zoe, admitted she's been struggling with the same thing—creating impressive work that feels hollow.

This morning, I woke up earlier than my alarm (miracle!) and found myself sketching before coffee (bigger miracle!). There's this freedom in creating without the weight of expectations. It feels like breathing properly for the first time after years of shallow breaths.

I'm not saying rejection is fun or that I'm suddenly enlightened. My apartment's still a disaster, I'm still surviving on instant ramen, and dating in LA remains a spectacular dumpster fire. But something fundamental has shifted in how I approach my work—and maybe myself.

Maybe that's what maturation really is—not having everything figured out, but finally being okay with the figuring-out process. Being patient with the unfinished edges of yourself.

Now, off to yoga to stretch out these hunched-over-sketchbook shoulders before my afternoon class. Today feels like the first day of designing as the actual Mandy—not the Mandy I thought everyone wanted me to be.

And honestly? She's pretty cool.