The Freedom in Not Knowing**
9:02 AM—Ethan didn’t smirk today. He smiled. Full-on, teeth-showing, “good morning” energy. Either my daily oat milk latte habit has worn him down, or LA’s weirdly perfect September weather is softening us all. (Probably both.) My sketchbook’s open to a half-finished design—part ballgown, part motorcycle jacket—and for once, I’m not rushing to “fix” it.
A week ago, I was untangling myself from a breakup like it was a knotted necklace. Yesterday, I was flexing my independence like a shiny new superpower. Today? Today I’m sitting in the not knowing. And—plot twist—it doesn’t feel like failure. It feels like freedom.
Here’s what that looks like:
1. I’m done forcing clarity. Spent 20 minutes last night staring at my vision board (glamorous, right?) before realizing: I don’t have to decide my entire future today. My professor told me my designs are “evolving,” and instead of panicking (Into what?!), I just nodded. Maybe evolution doesn’t need a destination. Maybe it’s just movement.
2. My heart’s allowed to be a contradiction. Caught myself humming our song in the shower yesterday. Instead of spiraling (Do I still miss him?!), I laughed. Missing someone doesn’t mean you want them back—sometimes it just means you’re human. Later, I flirted with the cute guy in my photography elective (His smile is stupid charming). Both things can be true.
3. I’m falling in love with questions. Used to treat uncertainty like a problem to solve. Now? I’m leaning into it. What if my “messy” phase isn’t a phase at all? What if my best work comes from not having it all figured out? What if Ethan is actually nice under all that barista brooding? (Okay, that last one might be a stretch.)
A month ago, I thought growth was about reaching some polished, healed final form. Now I think it’s just about showing up—curious, inconsistent, gloriously unfinished.
So yeah, my life’s still a draft. But drafts are where the magic happens.
xx Mandy
(P.S. Bought another thrifted blazer today. It’s plaid. It’s hideous. It’s perfect.)